The hypocrite within us all

Hello, fellow gentlewoman.
After spending time trying to write my "Beware the Joe Factor" post, which refers to Joes,


Joe: (n) a Joe is a full-time Egyptian man. A Joe’s age varies, while his behavior, unfortunately, does not. A Joe is a man fully committed to all the corrupt twitch-worthy Egyptian  ways that plague today’s youth. Usually found roaming the streets in packs and howling obscene, yet creative and, as much as I hate to admit it,  hilarious catcalls.


it dawned upon me that a gentlewoman makes mistakes, as I was firm in my decision to, well, advise you to "Be wary of the Joe". A hasty mistake one realizes upon realizing he/she is a hypocrite.

As with anything, nothing is black or white. 

And on a final note, give Joes a chance, you just might be pleasantly surprised. 

As for the Friend Zone? The only way out is if you were never in there to start with.

Gentlewoman, OUT.

El Joe

Danger Zone: The Friend Zone

One of the scariest, darkest, most desperately pathetic places you will ever encounter, although you’ll be surrounded by other people that are in the Friend Zone as well, granted they’ll be competing with you as they attempt to escape the Zone causing you to go through inevitable fits of jealousy and sleepless nights , they’re all just lovely people.




Friend Zone: (n) An abstract Zone that differentiates you from other people who are considered potential love interests. You are placed in this Zone when you are seen as a friend and nothing more.
                               1. Good: You are now this person of the opposite sex's friend!
                               2. Bad: You are now your crush's friend, and nothing more, and nothing more, forever more.

Note: Any sort of optimism, usually drilled into your brain by third party members, as you’ve already established a healthy balance of hope and despair by this time on your own, only makes this place twice as scary, dark, and desperately pathetic.

There's no way out.

For some reason it has come to be used/known as a Zone created  by only women, sometimes seen as if it’s done on purpose to torture men. Clarification: As a gentlewoman, it is not what I'd want, but it works both ways. Men  create this hellish godforsaken MISERABLE BARREN HOLE…*breathes*…ahem, forgive me.

The fact of the matter is, we have all been thrown into the fiery hell of the Friend Zone at one point or another in our lives, sadly.

Note: If you answered ‘no’ to this then you’re in too deep


There are four distinct types of Friend Zonees:

1. Those of us who have continued to live in denial in the Zone.
2. Those of us who know the reality, but refuse to leave the Zone (seeing it as a much better compromise than not being with the person at all),
3. Those of us who have simply evacuated the Zone at full speed and with free will. (Note: There are those who flee the friendship entirely, as it has become too much to take, whereas there are those who have apparently "accepted" the truth and have continued with the faux friendship.)
4. And there are the measly few, that we should admire greatly and praise and envy, that have surpassed the Friend Zone hurdles, regained their standing, and have given us more optimism to tip our delicate balance spiraling our already desperate situation out of control.

Thank you …  ”So you can go shave your back now.”

The number 4s seem to know what they’re doing, unfortunately I have yet to get my hands on number 4s expertise, because they are so rare you see, but once I do, I’ll definitely get back to you.

The number 3s have realized that he just wouldn’t bite, that the world is their oyster and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. What’s with all the fish analogies? I’m not exactly sure why or how this fits in, but this seems relevant.

“Look at it in a fishing analogy: Try using a fishing rod to catch fishes, you can catch one at a time only if you are skilled and experience, which most people aren’t when it comes to relationships. However, try casting a big fish net and you will open your world of possibilities with so many choices.”

Number 3s are building nets right about now.

As for the 2s and the 1s? Well, they can apply for Friend Zone citizenship right about now.

The funk soul brother, right about now.

Friend Zonee?


The lingo

“Heeeeey there! “

“‘Suuuup HOMIE! Wazzzuuup?”

FZ’d, promiscuous gentlewoman.

The body language

*Lightly touches arm and smiles* “Hi.”

*Punches arm* “YO!”

FZ’d, ouch.

And finally,
The random call

*High hopes* “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

*Siiigh* “Well, there’s this girl…”

FZ’d, death.


Here's a comic that sums it up and made me laugh at my own *ahem* I mean your pathetic state:

Gentlewoman, out.

Theories

Living in this day and age is like constantly living in high school; the drama, the rules, the obscure, yet well-known, etiquette, and not to mention, the theories.

We live in an age where everything requires a theory to base your thoughts and actions on. How much should/can I eat in front of someone new and still maintain my dignity, whilst satisfying my monstrous hunger? Or, what is an acceptable time to add someone you just met on Facebook? Or should I add him/her to start with?

As Ben Parker said in the first Spiderman movie, “with great power comes great responsibility.”

Therefore, we have taken it upon ourselves to provide you with a fairly extensive set of theories that even we incorporate in our lives.

Note: Some of the theories mentioned below are mere observations that act as subsidiaries of a more core theory.

——

1. The Ladder Effect:

The quick ascending transition from one level of a positive feeling to another, resulting in a graduated increase of positive judgment, arises from desperation and/or the lack of an alternative in the vicinity. (Example: “I like him”, 2 seconds later, “I really like him”) Usually subconscious and can be realized but cannot be helped.

Tested: The faster the climb, the faster the fall.

2. The Curve Breaker:

Upon introduction to an alien group, also during the early stages of impression, one person’s greatness casts other members of the group’s greatness aside in comparison, thus resulting in a Curve Breaker. (Analogy: One person scoring really high on a test, ruining the possibility of a curve for the rest of the people)

3. End of Semester Effect:

Within approximately the last two weeks of any given semester, students and teachers alike will usually be the in their most vulnerable, open, and comfortable state, thus revealing sometimes disturbing, secrets.

Note: Most changes or life altering events occur during this period of time.

4. Ten Minute SMS Rule:

After sending an SMS or a text message from a mobile device, the acceptable response time limit is ten minutes, if person is not in a car accident or has forgotten his/her phone.

5. Mirrored Time Response MSN:

During an instant message conversation, the time it takes a person to respond to an instant message is the approximate time, if not exact, that should be taken for the other converser to respond to maintain a relationship of equality and fairness.

6. Texting behavior:

Derived from the infamous Bumper Sticker “I get paranoid when you don’t respond to my text messages quickly”, the theory corresponds to the recipient’s average text message response time. If he or she exceeds the time limit average, which he or she has created based on his or her own behavior and ever since been faithful to, it is rational and safe to assume “paranoid mode”.

7. The Mental Graph:

Upon encountering a new individual, one must determine his/her coordinate on the graph.

Visual representation of theory

The Mental Likeness Graph displays the afore mentioned theory clearly and simply. There are two basic types: The Karma Line and the Unrealistic Line. The blue line, which is the unrealistic line displays that over time, your intensity of likeness for someone will only increase, more and more and more; A highly desired yet unachievable, to say the very least, goal.

Now, onto the red line, or the Karma Line, which has nothing to do with karma but I just liked the metaphor, What goes up, must come down, and down and down. The red line, unfortunately, is what happens to you with most people you meet. Example A: Hitler upon meeting him for the first time. “He seems like a reeeeeeeally cool guy! He’s so opinionated, in a good way, and is totally rocking that toothbrush mustache.” Over time, “Hitler’s a one-testicle douchebag with a toothbrush mustache.”

Note: Everything you once liked in him/her suddenly becomes puke worthy.

8. Blood Brothers:

Contrary to the common misconception that is ‘You are not your friends’. Blood Brothers states that the companionship you choose are mirrors to your personality. The individual’s personality is largely determined by his/her posse.

I’m no way near finished with this post.

Gentlewoman, out. For now.